Fanfiction University of Fowl
by blah123456
Summary: RELOADED! Rosemary Williams is caught writing bad fanfiction. She is dragged into the Fanfiction University of Fowl, where she learns proper fanfiction, and torture acquires a new meaning...
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer, characters belong to respective owners, and Miss Kasey belongs to me. The general idea is from Miss Sandman's OFUM. I give credit to Miss Sandman and I have received authorization from her.

The Fanfiction University of Fowl

Chapter One: Bad Fanfiction and Enrollment forms

_"Lissa flotted ovr 2 Artmis, and he hild hr in his arms. He kissd te top o hr hed an tey flw awy in2 te dak nite."_

Rosemary Williams sighed happily and scrolled to the beginning of her story. The perfect couple, Lissa and Artemis. OMG. Artemis Fowl was the hottest person _ever_. Her eyes clouded over as she envisioned Artemis Fowl in a…..

"OW!" Rosemary shielded her eyes as lights suddenly burst on in her room. When her eyes had adjusted, three strangers were standing in her room. Two were hidden in the shadows, but a lady was right in front of Rosemary. She was black-haired and dressed in black velvet pants and a navy blouse with flared long sleeves. She was also wearing a black cloak with her hood shadowing half her face. She was holding a bunch of papers in one hand.

"Rosemary Williams," said the lady, "You have been caught writing insufferable fanfiction. I am Miss Kasey, and you will adress me as only Miss Kasey. Not Kasey, Kas, meanie, mean bitch, or a lust object. If you do any of the former, you will undergo intolerable pain and incredible mental torture."

Rosemary gulped. This wasn't sounding too good….

"And you are on probation. You cannot write anymore Artemis Fowl fanfiction until you have passed the Fanfiction University of Fowl. There you will learn the proper Canon, characteristics and attitudes of the _proper_ characters, grammar, spelling, other whatnot, and how to deal with much pain," Miss Kasey rattled off. "If you decide _not_ to enroll in the University, then you are prohibited from reading, writing, or even thinking any Artemis Fowl fanfiction. Here is your enrollment form."

And as soon as they had come, Miss Kasey and the other two shadowed creatures disappeared.

Rosemary caught the enrollment form and read it over. Whatever, she thought, who cares, and grabbed a pen from her desk. Name…Rosemary Williams….Age…14…..Race…Human….Lust Object…ARTEMIS FOWL!...Fav. Character….ARTEMIS FOWL FOREVER!...Blah blah blah blah… Rosemary carelessly filled out the rest and tossed it on her desk. Little did she know that the piece of laser-printed paper disappeared as soon as it touched the wooden surface. Rosemary crawled into bed and fell asleep immediately.

Enrollment form (Please send in an e-mail, not in the reviews. I do not accept any review-enrolled forms.)

Name:

Age:

Race: Elf/Human/Gnome/Sprite/Centaur/Pixie/Other: please specify

Gender: Female/Male

Lust Object:

Reason for Lust:

What sort of Fanfiction usually written:

Like slash: Yes/No

Luxury item you would want to bring to FUOF:


	2. Discovering the MiniTrolls

The Fanfiction University of Fowl

Chapter Two: Discovering the Mini-Trolls

Rosemary's shrieks could be heard all the way from New York to Texas when she found out that she was over thirty feet in the air. She threw up, and realized that she was being held on a Moonbelt by a fairy. Presumably an LEP fairy. Wait. LEP. Artemis Fowl. What the hell! She was in Fowl-Land? What?

Rosemary's memory triggered. Click. "Oh. The enrollment form. I thought it was just a dream I'd had." Rosemary muttered to herself.

The fairy landed in a campus consisting of twelve buildings and shoved her towards the mass of people milling around.

"Hey," a pale white face with long fang-like canines smiled at her. Rosemary shrank back a little, and replied with a timid, "Hi."

"I'm Ichigo, what about you?"

"Uh, Rosemary Williams," Rosemary replied.

"What'd you sign up as in 'Race'?" Ichigo asked, "I signed up as vampire."

That explains the skin and the fangs, Rosemary thought. "Human," she said simply.

"Oh. Hey, did you get a visit from that Miss Kasey lady? I thought I was going crazy," Ichigo chatted on.

"Meh, me too," another girl interrupted them. "Mmmm, isn't Artemis just so, hot? Hey! There he is!" the girl ran off screaming, Rosemary with her. They were both screaming their heads off, at the distant speck that someone had spotted as Artemis. The dot got smaller. Apparently, Artemis had panicked and was running away.

The fan girls, a couple hundred of them, were stopped suddenly by a large horde of little thick-hided troll-like things carrying something that looked suspiciously like a mini-gun.

Miss Kasey appeared behind the army of mini-trolls. "Very good," she praised the mini-trolls. Then she turned to the girls. "Students," she said sternly, "Head to the Short Auditorium right NOW!" The minis started clobbering the girls who had stayed behind. Rosemary ran like crazy towards the building labeled 'Short Auditorium', unknown girl and Ichigo right behind her.

Another girl, or rather, half-centaur, half-elf, joined them. Rosemary stared in shock, along with Unknown Girl (who shall forevermore be known as UG) and Ichigo.

"Hi!" the newcomer said cheerfully, "I'm Tara H.!"

"Rosemary Williams…" gulped Rosemary.

"Ichigo. Nice to meet you," said her vampiric friend bravely.

"Unknown Girl," muttered UG.

"Don't you think Foaly is soooo cute and smart! Oh! There he is!" Tara H. screamed, trying to throw herself at the centaur that had appeared on the auditorium's stage. Foaly looked surprised and backed off into the wings.

Tara H. screamed again, but not in joy this time. A mini-troll was clubbing her hard over the head.

"Very good," said a female voice from the shadows, "Nice job, Foily." A lady with sandy brown hair stepped out, dressed in a burgundy shirt and denim jeans. "I'm Miss Liana, assistant secretary to Miss Kasey. The minis react very violently to lusters. So I'm warning you to atleast try not to stampede."

Rosemary nodded. This Miss Liana _seemed_ nicer than the evil Miss Kasey….But you never knew in this crazy place.

Suddenly, all the lights turned off. There was one concentrated spotlight at the center of the stage. Titters and whispers coursed throughout the Short Auditorium.

And Miss Kasey came on stage.


	3. Orientation and Introduction of Faculty ...

I edited a bit in this chapter.

* * *

Fanfiction University of Fowl

Chibis are not from the Artemis Fowl books.

Chapter Three: Orientation and Introduction of Faculty and Canon Characters

As Rosemary stared at Miss Kasey, she could feel a chill creeping up her back. Anything that involved Miss Kasey was evil. Miss Kasey's attire was all black, except for the silver edgings at the end of her cloak. In additon to her cloak were: black pants, and a black blouse. Her shoes looked like black leather high-heeled boots. Black was omnious. Plus there was a menancing gleam in her dark brown eyes.

"Welcome students, to your one-and-only experience year at FUOF. My name is Miss Kasey, incase you have forgotten," there was a slight undertone to that, as if saying, 'NO ONE forgets my name'. In any case, no one had forgotten Miss Kasey's name.

"I am the course coordinator of FUOF. You will not meet the Headmaster, yet anyway. However, I _will_ introduce you to the rest of the faculty and Canon Characters," she frowned as some girls sighed and swooned, "no more stampeding. None of the Canon Characters appreciates glomping. There will me mini-trolls scattered about the Auditorium on the look-out." Her smile was similar to Artemis'. _Almost _vampiric.

Spending all that time with him in this maniac place must have affected her, thought Rosemary, mental note: No glomping Artemis this time.

"When our teachers and other members in authority have been introduced, Miss Liana and Miss (ashley) will call out your names. Come up to receive your schedule."

Whispers coursed throughout the auditorium. Ichigo leaned over and whispered, "I wonder if the rest of the faculty is as weird as Miss Kasey."

"I don't doubt it," Rosemary murmured back.

A girl by the name of Laura Hasnol leaned over and whispered, "D'you think I should risk glomping Artemis? I mean, _he's so hot!"_

Rosemary's eyes clouded over dreamily, "Yeah, I was wondering about that too. D'you want to try it together?"

Laura stuck out a hand to shake. "Deal," she whispered.

Suddenly, Rosemary felt a piercing look on her, and silence all around her. She and Laura had been the only ones talking for the last few minutes. She slowly raised a frightened face to look at Miss Kasey. The course coordinator's black eyes bore into her like lasers. Rosemary cowered. Apparently satisfied, the eyes moved away to torture Laura Hasnol.

"As I was saying," Miss Kasey said icily, "The faculty will come first. Miss (ashley) the Administrative Assistant and Book Instructor," a blond lady came on stage, clad in a white cloak, for a change. Her smile and her hazel eyes wasn't quite as icy as Miss Kasey's. Rosemary felt a little sprout of hope. Maybe this Miss (ashley) would be nice, along with Miss Liana…..

"Miss (ashley) is our What It Feels To Be Nice director. She is a very sweet and kind lady. However, make her mad, and you will feel _very_ sorry for yourselves."

Rosemary winced. Oops. I take back what I just thought, Rosemary said to herself.

"Miss Shyan," announced Miss Kasey, "My mini-trolls director."

_This_ lady was as quite as intimidating as Miss Kasey, but didn't fully have that very threatening aura of complete authority. She was clad in a black cloak with white lining, and her hood shadowed her face. But the two blue points that were her eyes held promises of pain and torture.

"My assistant secretary," said Miss Kasey, "Miss Liana."

Rosemary had seen Miss Liana before. Before, she had been without a cloak. But for the occasion, or, supposed Rosemary, Miss Kasey's will, Miss Liana had donned a dark green cloak.

"Miss Liana," said Miss Kasey with a slight cough, "Is our sometimes-assistant secretary, along with being Butler's Athletic Assisstant and she is usually _very_ hyper. Along with Miss Kira. You shall be reminded constantly, that Miss Liana's pet chibis are to be _left alone_. Along with the mini-trolls, chibis guard the Canon Characters.

"Miss Kira," said Miss Kasey, now with a slightly disturbed air, "is also a hyper lady. She has the position of Uniforms Mistress." Miss Kira sauntered onstage, dark blue cloak swirling around her.

"Master James," said Miss Kasey, brightening up, "The only male un-Canon faculty member. His position is very special. He is the Behavior co-Director, along with his assistant, Miss Shyan. I am the other co-Director. That's all I'm telling you for now."

A man in about is early twenties –just like the rest of the faculty- appeared. He was dark-haired, and his very air was jovial and wicked at the same time. Well, jovial 2 and 98 wicked. His cloak was burgundy.

"Now, the Canon characters," resumed Miss Kasey, "Our respected Commander Root."  
The red-faced elf came on, blowing on a cigar. He glared at the students, appropriately intimidating them.

"Captain Holly Short."

The elf came on from the wings, and looking at all the students, her hand mechanically strayed towards her Neutrino. Rosemary cringed.

"Captain Kelp."

"Foaly."

"AHHHHH!" Tara H. and goodness knows who else screamed. LOUDLY. Mini-trolls began clambering towards the Foaly Fans.

Miss Kasey glared. "As I said, no glomping. And No Screaming. Ahem. Now, ex-commander Cudgeon."

And so the list of Canon Characters grew, until they were all standing on stage.

But one was missing.

Rosemary's eyes were watering, and she clung to her seat. What had happened to her beloved, darling, Artemis? Was he sick? Was he dying? Had he finally gotten captured and was in jail?

"And the person everyone has been waiting for," said Miss Kasey in a low and threatening tone, "Our gracious Main Character, Artemis Fowl."

The pale young man walked on stage. As soon as his feet were in sight, the whole auditorium burst into cheers and screams. Rosemary clutched at her hair, shrieking and clambering over people to get to her beloved, Laura Hasnol right beside her.

"Ow!" Rosemary felt like her head was being bashed with a club. Actually, it _was_ being bashed with a club. Or, the butt of a rifle from a mini-troll.

"Ooww," Rosemary ignored the pain and sought Artemis. She had better luck than most, and was actually clawing up the stage when a icily cold voice stopped her. Miss Kasey was right above her, and her black eyes pierced straight through Rosemary.

"Artmis," called Miss Kasey, "If you'd be so kind as to…." Miss Kasey gestured to Rosemary, smiling maliciously.

The mini-troll scrambled over to Rosemary and began chasing her. Rosemary screamed, and ran as fast as her legs would carry her. But glancing back, she tripped over another fangirl's foot. Then Artmis the Mini-troll caught up. Rosemary cowered as Artmis began laying about with the mini-trolls' special Hit-the-Students stick.

Finally, when the residents of the auditorium had been herded into _some_ semblence of order, Miss Kasey ordered them all into two lines down the aisles. Artemis had disappeared from sight, to the extreme disappointment of Rosemary and all the other Arty-fangirls.

Miss (ashley) and Miss Liana began passing out stacks of paper and leaflets. Miss Kasey observed the quaking students with a wary eye. Now that the Lust Object was out of sight, the girls _should_ be controlled, but you never knew with fangirls.

"Where's Butler!" two shrill, panicked voices called out at the same time. "I want him!"

Miss Kasey shot the two, Pepaza Kines and Jenna Glass, a _very _dark look. "Butler is unavailable right now, as he is dealing with some of the Canon Characters who refuse to come onstage. Mainly, Mr. Spiro and Juliet. Mr. Spiro is now fangirlphobic, and Juliet says she's too busy."

Jenna Glass elbowed her way to the front. "But Butler's my hunny-bunny! (AN: honey is misspelled purposely)"

"No, he's mine!" a clamor rose up in the room. Rosemary frowned. "Why would anyone lust Butler?" she asked Laura Hasnol, "I mean, he's Arty's bodyguard, and he turned into like this fifty-year-old."

"Age doesn't matter," said Miss (ashley), appearing suddenly behind Laura and Rosemary, "To fangirls. No wonder Spiro had fangirlphobia."

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Commander Root bellowed. His face was, if that was possible, redder than a tomato's. The students took the hint and shut up.

"Thank you," said Miss Kasey, taking over. Her cloak swished as she moved about the stage, "We have explained Butler's absence, as well as Juliet's. Now that Miss Liana and Miss (ashley) has passed out your schedules, Introductory Classes start tomorrow. Good night. Your Wing Director will supervise you after classes."

With muted mutterings, the girls were herded by various faculty and un-lusted after Canon Characters into the other parts of the gigantic mansion.

Rosemary's group was taken to the South Wing. It was painted entirely black, with only wax candles lighting the way. Rosemary felt like she had been transported into some fifteenth century dungeon.

"The South Wing students will await their Wing Director," a loud, wheezy voice said over the P.A. System. Their chatter grew louder and louder, until the din was almost unbearable. Suddenly, a silence settled down until everyone was quiet.

"Miss Shyan and I will be your Wing Supervisor," said Miss Kasey's icy voice, "As your own resigned from FUOF last week."

Rosemary stared in horror at the two shadows looming from the end of the hall. MISS KASEY AND MISS SHYAN WAS THEIR WING DIRECTOR?

The other girls' mouths were open, but all were too frightened to make a sound. They filed in obediently into the dormitories, and mechanically lay down on the bunk beds.

"Have a nice night," said Miss Shyan's voice, maliciously sweet, as she turned the lights off and closed the door.

Everyone screamed simultaneously.


	4. Chibis and Demented Uniforms

Note: Miss (ashley) in the last chapter is now Miss Ashley

Terrorist Chibis and Demented Uniforms

"Hellooooo! Wake up, you idiots! Yoohooo! Wake up! It's five o'clock, and time to wake up!" A bright, false voice shouted throughout the speaker systems.

"Liana!" Miss Kasey's voice came sharply throughout the P.A. system, "Please, be quiet!"

"At least everyone's awake," commented a dry voice, Master James.

"Yes. Liana. Get. Off. The. Speakers. NOW!" Miss Shyan's voice was a ear-deafening roar throughout the whole mansion.

"Oh yes, students. Today you will be acquiring your uniforms and books. Due to _certain_ unprepared people, your Introductory Classes have been postponed until tomorrow, " said Miss Ashley's cheerful voice, "SO HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF BED!"

"MARCH!" screamed Miss Shyan, "ONE-TWO-ONE-TWO!"

The girls, scared out of their wits, hurriedly dressed and began to march like soldiers. One girl, Livia, had brought a gun and had slung it over her shoulder. BIG MISTAKE.

Miss Kasey swooped down on the girl as soon as they had reached the Entrance Hall. She wrenched the shotgun out of Livia's hands and whacked her on her bottom with it once, hard. Then she threw it hard across the hall, where it exploded in a loud burst of fire. The smell of burning hair drifted throughout the hall.

Rosemary stiffened as she felt warmth on her. Then feeling her hair, her long, blond hair, she felt really really really really really really really really really really scalding hot.

Her hair was on fire.

Rosemary began to dance around the hall, literally, shaking her head wildly, and screaming. Finally, someone who had a water bottle with them, doused her head.

Rosemary collapsed to the floor, panting. She felt her hair, which was split, burned, and now, really short. She saw several girls with similar hair, but that didn't exactly make her feel better.

She saw the faculty's smiles, and heard the Canon Characters' (the CC) snicker. She turned red, and snatched a glance to see if her precious Arty was there.

He was. OHMIGOD! Rosemary completely forgot about her hair and sat there for a full five minutes, drooling and ogling at Artemis. He scowled at her, and Butler stepped before him, sending an intimidating glare at Rosemary and various other fangirls.

Jenna Glass and Pepaza Kines sighed and stared at Butler from lowered eyelashes.

Another girl had joined Rosemary, along with Laura Hasnol. Her name was Marsnmonkey Jones, and she was also a Fowl Fanatic. They were together in watching Artemis, that guy who was so hoooooot, with sighs and fluttering eyelashes.

The room had been fairly quiet, the fire doused, the CC and faculty talking quietly, and fangirls staring and drooling at lust objects. Chibis had begun to wander around the room, squeaking occasionally, and receiving oooohs and aaahs from the girls. But they had learned at least to stay away from whatever Miss Kasey told them to stay away from, with the exception of Lust Objects.

But one girl, or rather, elf-demon, Carlotta Stevens, called Sparky by most, was on a mad roll. With a crazy, insane, shrill laugh, she drew out a net from her belt, and began to cast out, almost like fishing, to catch the chibis.

BAM. Rosemary screamed, only a few inches from a chibi. That particular chibi, a cute one, and begun to grow taller and more menancing. Their teeth sprouted fangs, and their hands began to grow claws. The girl chibis' long hair began to turn into snakes, writhing and hissing.

Sparky's eyes widened. Her laugh died away, and her demonic red-nailed hands loosened their grasp on the net. She backed away, eyes fixed on the formerly cute chibis. They advanced upon Sparky, eyes ablaze and the girls' hair framing their faces, hissing and coiling, tensing to strike.

"Aahhhhhhh!" Sparky's scream rang through the silent hall, as one pink chibi's cobra-hair bit Sparky's shoulder.

Miss Kasey had shouldered her way through the crowd and was now looking at Sparky. "You won't die," the lady informed Sparky, who's blood was oozing out of her shoulder, "Get over it."

Sparky stared, mouth agape. Several girls, muttering sympathies, helped her get to her feet.

"Now," said Miss Kasey briskly, "Follow."

The girls stood on their feet and marched silently through the hall, following Miss Kasey's swishing black cloak. They arrived at the South Wing, where a room was labeled 'Uniforms; Miss Kira'.

Miss Kira, smiling a demented smile and herding the students into her room, looked absolutely terrifying.

"Now, LINE UP!" Miss Kira screamed at them, "Tallest to shortest!"

Rosemary, being one of the shortest, was at the end of the line. She watched with growing horror as Miss Kira dragged each girl to a dressing room and began fitting her with uniforms.

The first girl, Livia, came out looking shell-shocked. She had been fitted into a crisp white blouse and starched black skirt. There were murmured sympathies, and many comforting pats to Marsnmonkey Jones, who was next.

Soon, all the girls were lined up, dressed in stiff blouses and hang-straight skirts. Miss Kira went over them, inspecting every single centimeter and the hang of the skirt to the last millimeter. She tugged so hard at Rosemary's belt that she felt like she would suffocate.

"Next morning, I expect every single crease to be starched, belts exactly where I put them, OR ELSE!" Miss Kira shrieked at them, and shoved them out her door. Miss Kasey and Miss Liana were waiting, the former smiling thinly, and the latter smiling cheerfully.

"You will head to the library with me. Your first class is tomorrow, and we must have all your books ready," Miss Kasey said, "Miss Ashley is the Book Instructor, and she will hand you your books. Do NOT under pain of death, touch any other tomes besides the ones you require for class. Understand?"

The girls nodded mutely. Rosemary felt like a robot as she marched in two lines behind Miss Kasey.

The Library was a menacing-looking piece of architecture. It was painted black, which seemed to be Miss Kasey's favorite color, not that she was gothic, and had gold edgings and molds.

Miss Ashley sat at the desk, reading a huge, dusty book. The title was 'The History of Fanfiction and New Torturing Methods'. She smiled as Miss Kasey strolled up.

"Kasey," Miss Ashley greeted warmly, "You need to read this book. Fabulous. Shyan would love it."

Miss Kasey smiled cordially, a rare event for the students. "'The History of Fanfiction and New Torturing Methods'". Of course. I'll read it after I've finished 'The Death of a Fangirl'."

Rosemary gulped. 'The Death of a Fangirl'? Didn't sound too good.

Miss Ashley laughed. "'Oh of course. 'The Death of a Fangirl'. Such an awesome book. For us, anyway," she said with a glare at the students.

Her hazel eyes hurt. She, Miss Shyan, and Miss Kasey all seemed to have this supernatural eye-laser power that was invisible. Rosemary shook her head. This place was definitely weird. And scary.

She said so to Caz Banana, who was standing next to her. Caz Banana shot her a look. "You _just_ figured this out?"

Rosemary shrugged. "Hey, but-

"ARTEMIS FOWL IS HERE!" chorused all the Fowl Fanatics, namely Rosemary, Laura Hasnol, Marsnmonkey Jones, Caz Banana, and Everworld, who were the gang leaders.

Artemis Fowl _was_ here. He had been arguing loudly with Captain Holly Short and they had wandered into the library, Holly shouting at Artemis and Artemis trying to say something cutting. Notice the TRY. Holly was more or less in his face, her hands around his neck, strangling him. She was succeeding; Fowl's face was turning blue.

"Arty!" Rosemary cried, and the Fanatics made a beeline for Artemis. Holly turned towards the fangirls and grinned. "I'll leave you to their mercy, Fowl," she said, and fled straight out the door.

Artemis Fowl was panicking. Or, ventilating. No one had known he had asthma.

Just kidding. Of course Fowl didn't have asthma.

But he could have.

The fangirls didn't know.

So Artemis became the star of the show.

Miss Kasey saved Artemis nicely. Fowl had just been about to quit being 'Panicked-Guy-Being-Brave-And-Failing' and just crash straight through the window when mini-trolls swooped into the room, called by Miss Kasey. The minis had been equipped with wings, and Neutrinos. On setting one, the weapons didn't kill a person. However, it did stun them for several hours.

"Good job, Holley," said Miss Kasey, after the mini-troll had succeeded in knocking out Marsnmonkey Jones. Artemes had already stunned Rosemary.

"This group's not as eventful as last year's. Last group would do _anything_ to get near a Lust Object," commented Miss Kasey, observing the students lying about on the library floor.

"Yes," said Miss Ashley, "Last year was horrific. Of course, we did have much fun with them."

Miss Kasey smiled fondly. "Good memories. Yes, think good memories."

"Miri Acker," said Master James, coming in from a back room, "A Fowl Fanatic. She tried to take pictures of Artemis in the shower. She did, unfortunately, but we confiscated the film. Without develop- um, never mind."

Miss Kasey had elbowed him. They _had_ developed the film, and confiscate was a bit of an understatement. Master James had developed them and filed them in an envelope marked 'Classified'. He hand handed it to Artemis. As they say, curiosity killed the cat. Artemis took one look at the pictures and had gone, literally, crazy. Miri Acker had taken one step too far.

So they went back after using fairy magic to send all the students into a specially-made dungeon four flights below. It was dark. Another understatement.

"Have a good night," Miss Kasey murmured wickedly as the fangirls disappeared and were placed into the dungeon. She, Miss Ashley, and Master James retreated into the Privacy Secured Room of Coordinating Directors. In other words, the Room Where No One Chases Anybody. Or, the teachers' lounge.

So the eventful (for students) or not-eventful (for teachers) day ended.

But tomorrow would be here soon. And the dreaded Introductory Classes.

Muahahahah


	5. Down the Creepy tunnel

ENROLLMENT IS STILL OPEN TO ALL PEOPLE. PLEASE SEND IT TO ME IN AN EMAIL, NOT A REVIEW. The more students, the merrier….for the faculty anyway. I have doubts for the students..

But still, Enroll!

**Hurrahhurrah**: Yeah, it did. It basically sums down to: either some jerk deleted it, someone with a good reason deleted it, or ff. net took it down. Why I have no idea. Thanks for reviewing!

**BeatlesLover:** evil smirk Oh, those _dear_ fangirls…..I'm sure nothing cough-maybe- cough drastic happened to them….

**PeregrineBlue:** _Cheers_: Yay! I'm soo glad you liked it. Read on!

**The Blazing Blade**: Awesome account name. Sorry about beating you to the story. I hope you're satisfied with the story and it sort of makes up for that. No, no one evil's in charge of applications. Actually, I take care of them myself. So, no worry there. Glomping means like the usual fangirl antics…stampeding, etc. You know. Miss Ashley's name in brackets was an accident. I meant to change her name to something else, so it was in brackets for the time being, and then I forgot to change it. It's one of my friends' name, and when I told her I'd accidentally uploaded like that, she said it was ok. Thanks for you wonderful reviews.

**PeanutButterOreoCookieGirl**: Yipeee! So glad you liked the chapter, and as I told Peregrine Blue, READ ON!

Special Thanks to all my other reviewers before this story got taken of You get my special thanks.

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Fanfiction University of Fowl

Chapter Five: Down the creepy tunnel

Rosemary groaned, and rubbed her eyes blindly. Not that it helped clear her vision or anything. The dungeon was pitch-black. Or blacker than pitch-black, if that was possible.

Someone started giggling. It was Loremaster of Anorien, who was neurotic and prone to giggling under extreme stress. And this _was definitely_ a condition of extremely dire stress.

"Rosemary?" Marsnmonkey Jones whispered next to her, "Is that you?"

"Yes," Rosemary whispered back, "What's happening?"

"I think we're in a dungeon," Everworld whispered from her other side.

"Really," said Juli Sanders, a vampire, sarcastically from another part of the room. Even her snow-white fangs couldn't gleam in the heavy darkness "I hadn't noticed,"

"Uh-oh," said Rosemary, "Does anyone have a watch?"

"I do," said someone from the other side of the dungeon. A light lit up and barely pierced through the gloom as someone looked at their digital watch. "It's eight thirty- oh shoot!"

"What?" everyone else shouted from each side of the dungeon.

"We've missed the start of Introductory Classes!" the someone wailed.

Everyone was silent. Rosemary froze, shocked beyond horror. Miss Kasey, Shyan, and Ashley had at some point, impressed upon them that classes were not to be missed. _Ever_.

Rosemary was the first one to scream. After about five minutes of screaming, everyone had partially calmed down.

"So how do we get out of here?" asked Juli Sanders.

"I don't KNOW!" Laura Hasnol screamed.

"Is there an opening?" asked Rosemary. At that same time, Marsnmonkey Jones yelled, "Hey I found something!"

They stampeded over to where Marsnmonkey Jones was standing. True enough, there was a gap in the stones, leading down a tunnel.

"D'you think it's safe down there?" Loremaster of Anorien asked.

"No," answered Rosemary, "But haven't we got to take the chance?"

"Sure," Juli Sanders said with a sigh, "it's a damn sight better than getting killed by mini-trolls."

"Sooooo…." Rosemary dragged the word out, "Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel first?"

Everyone pointed at Rosemary.

"I guess it's me," Rosemary muttered, "D'you think Arty's going to come and save us?" she added to Laura Hasnol.

"I wish…" Laura's eyes glazed over as she envisioned Artemis coming down with a torch in hand, in all his glory, and saying "Laura Hasnol, I, Artemis Fowl the second, have come to rescue you from the, er…badness…of this dungeon."

Rosemary stuck a cautious foot inside the tunnel. She sent a quick prayer up to heaven, mentally asked Artemis to come down here immediately, and began her journey down the creepy tunnel.

Hey, it wasn't called 'Mini-Trolls' Lair' for nothing. And Juli Sanders, going down the tunnel _wasn't_ a damn sight better than staying to get killed by the **domestic **mini-trolls...

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Meanwhile……

In the teacher's lounge, Miss Kasey had set up a visual of the fangirls for them, and a mind-reader. They were chuckling, when a voice came from the mind-reader.

"Warning," said a robotic voice, "From the mind of Laura Hasnol, about Master Artemis Fowl the Second."

Artemis stiffened. The voice changed to Laura Hasnol's voice (Miss Kasey had recorded everyone's voice on the first day), and said.

"Laura Hasnol, I, Artemis Fowl the Second, have come to rescue you from the, er….badness….of this dungeon." With a click, the mind-reader went back to scanning.

"What?" Artemis said, "a torch?"

"A flashlight works just as well," Miss Ashley muttered, and the faculty smiled.

"I would never rescue a fangirl," Artemis continued with determination,

"Of course," Miss Kira snorted.

"And," Artemis finished triumphantly, "The word 'bad' does not have a position of elevated honor among my eloquent and prestigious vocabulary."

"Could you repeat that again, and more slowly?" a random goblin, an extra for a few lessons, had suddenly appeared in the teacher's lounge.

"Shoo," Miss Kasey waved a hand lazily at the goblin.

"Yes Head Coordinator," he mumbled, and left.

"Oh look," Holly said gleefully, pointing at the visual, "They're coming to the good part.."

Rosemary and the other Arty-fangirls were wading through thick, heavy muck when Rosemary felt something grab her feet. Cautiously, she lifted her foot and peered closely.

Snap!

"AHAAAHAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Rosemary screamed and tumbled back, shaking her foot. A mini-troll was latched onto her foot, and had bitten the end of her nose.

At this scream, the other mini-trolls were awakened….and well….leave that to your imagination.

Poor girls. It's never fun to go down the Mini-Trolls' Lair without a light.

Especially, (insert wicked smile) when they're not potty-trained.

* * *

A/N: Ok. That potty-train thing was just one of those spur-of-the-moment humors. Trust me, it'll play a big part. Muahahahahahaha.

Okay, back to normal, now pwease wewiew? (now, that was _not_ normal)

P.S. If you notice a line from the movie 'National Treasure' in the chapter, tell me who it was said by, and i'll dedicate a chapter to you. A whole chapter of FUOF written for specifically 'you'. If you find the line..that is. And NO PEEKING AT OTHER REVIEWS!. The first three people who get this right will win the prize!

PPS. You don't have to send it in an email. Just review. Thank ya!


	6. Late Classes and Punishment

Thanks to all my reviewers, of course, and..

Yeah, Midnight Black, you get to be Rosemary's roommate!

Congrats to: (in the order you replied)

_**Gold: Rocketgirl727981**_

_**Silver: Sapphire Artemis**_

_**Bronze: Falling star9 **_

_**This chapter is dedicated to them**_

_**White Ribbon: Loremaster of Anorien**_

_**The..err..title is dedicated to her **_

Chapter Six: Late Classes and Punishments

About a dozen girls stumbled into the yard of FUOF, covered in all sorts of filth. They staggered, then dropped onto the grass, moaning.

"I," gasped Rosemary, "hate that place."

Akiralifted her head an inch. "No kidding," she muttered.

A gleeful chuckle came from a few feet away. Miss Ashley stood there, smirking. "That's why, m'dears, it's called 'The Lair of the Mini-Trolls'."

"I _knew_ there was something wrong about that place," muttered Midnight Black.

"Anyway," continued Miss Ashley, "Classes have started four hours ago. For your sake, we canceled them, but since you are here, I advise you to go wash up, and hurry. Miss Kasey and Miss Shyan certainly _does not_ like to be kept waiting. Neither do I.Understand?"

The girls nodded. Mutely, they dragged their jaded bodies into various washing rooms, where the hot steam and clear, running water cleansed them. Shrugging into their clean set of uniforms. Running, Rosemary and her roommate, Midnight Black, reached the Mess Hall (Miss Kasey preferred militaristic names) at breakneck pace.

Miss Kasey stood on a raised platform, attired in her silver-lined black cloak, black pants, and a silken black shirt. She tapped her microphone. It made rough whooshing sounds.

"Good." Miss Kasey said crisply, "Now that you are _all_ here, I would like to say that Introductory Classes are resumed. Since you have received your schedules with your books from Miss Ashley, I would like for you to head to your first class. All students who has 'True Sarcasm' from Artemis Fowl, please follow Miss Shyan. Shyan, I trust you'll keep them in line?" Miss Kasey turned sharply towards the cloaked figure in the side. Miss Shyan nodded.

"Excellent. You may go. Scram, kids," Miss Kasey glared at all of them.

Rosemary had 'True Sarcasm' first. She made a beeline after Miss Shyan, hiding behind Isa.

"Artemis is teaching this class," Isa whispered excitedly, "He's soooo hot!"

At the mention of her precious darling, Rosemary forgot all about Miss Shyan, and almost jumped straight into the air. "Artemis?" she whispered back, "I know, he's just…arrgh…he's just.."

"Hot?" supplied Sylfie, who was listening to Isa and Rosemary's conversation.

They all nodded fervently.

As Miss Shyan stopped suddenly, Vida Green, who was right behind her, stopped to remain at least a foot away from the Mini-Trolls director. This caused everyone behind her to stumble like dominoes, and in this case, Rosemary crashed straight into Isa's back.

Miss Shyan opened a door, smiling. "Artemis, your class has arrived."

A panicked voice carried through the door. "Er, Shyan? Could you keep them for a few minutes?"

"Artemis, that is so unlike yourself. You are acting childishly. I'm sending them in." Miss Shyan moved, unblocking the doorway, and the girls streamed in. Well, girl and a boy, David. He looked disgusted at the fangirls' behavior, and with his nose high in the air, entered the room.

Artemis had regained his composure, and was every Fowl Fanatic's dream. He wore his Armani suit, and his blue eyes stared piercingly at them.

"Sit," he commanded, and the girls sat, drool hanging from the side of their mouths, and making cow-eyes at Artemis.

"You," he pointed at Jayde, who was mooning over him on the front row, "Come up here."

Jayde scampered up the isle, shooting smug glances at the other girls. Fortunately, they had managed to restrain their glomping, and was listening to the sound of his voice with dreamy eyes and soft sighs.

"Jayde. If you were in a situation, say, where one of these girls got hit by a car, she's bleeding all over, she's got a coma, and has all sorts of needles stuck in her at the hospital, and someone says, 'She's hurt bad', what would you reply?"

Jayde looked dumbstruck. She normally wasn't..er..stupid..er, but in front of Artemis, she was tongue-tied.

"Um," she said, still looking dreamily at Artemis, who glared at her with icy eyes, "I love Artemis!" she squealed.

Artemis turned away, and tapped his finger on his podium. "Sit down, Miss Jayde. I require an answer that has no passion. Miss Williams, come."

Rosemary flounced up the isle, shooting smirks at the other crestfallen girls. She scooted close to Artemis, who shot her a frigid glare. She drooled.

"Miss Williams, what would you have said in Miss Jayde's place?" he asked her, his voice aloof. Now he was beginning to wish that he _had_ brought Artimes along, no matter how protective those Mini-Trolls were.

Rosemary gazed at Artemis with a hazy brain. "Huh?" she asked, taking a step closer to her Lust Object.

"What would you have done in Miss Jayde's place?" he repeated the question, looking extremely irritated.

"Um. I LOVE YOU, ARTY!" She shrieked and flung herself on top of Artemis. Immediately, a Mini crashed through the window and latched itself onto Rosemary's hair. Artemis sighed in relief. Artimes had come to the rescue.

Rosemary was still shrieking, the Mini-Troll clubbing her on top of her head with its Neutrino. It cocked the gun to fire, and Rosemary ducked. The shot missed, and sailed out the broken window.

Artemis looked at the havoc reigning in his classroom, and pressed a button on his desk. It was bright red and read 'Fangirl Alarm. Press if Needed'.

A few seconds later, the door was wrenched open and banged against the wall outside with a resounding crash. The fangirls still persisted, however, and Artemis was defending himself with his book.

"SILENCE!" Miss Kasey roared, and everyone except the fangirls stood stock-still. Miss Shyan blew an ear-piercing whistle, and various Mini-Trolls flew into the room, wings attached. They began clubbing the fangirls, and slowly, they loosened their death grip on Artemis.

Artemis smiled weakly at Miss Kasey and Shyan. "I very much appreciated that," he said shakily, "Now, if you would please leave me to teach?"

Miss Kasey smiled, and Miss Shyan chuckled. "Do you want some duck tape, Artemis?"

Artemis turned a slight shade of pink. "I'm fine, thank you. Now please, leave me to teach."

Rosemary's mind was still screaming at her to either glomp Artemis or leave the room, but she held on. Barely. She leaned over to Tennessee, who was sitting behind her, and whispered, "Duck tape?"

Tennessee nodded. "You know, to tape us to our seats?" she reminded Rosemary.

"Oh." Rosemary turned back around, to find Artemis' cold blue glare on her.

"Miss Williams, you will have detention with Master James tonight, eight o'clock sharp." Artemis said almost resignedly. The bell rang, and the door opened. Miss Kasey stood there, flanked by three Mini-Trolls. She smiled at the students.

"Come with me. It's time for your next class, and I will be your escort."

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Muahaha, please review!


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